Here's to a lady...

When I was about three years old..my mother and father were divorced...my mother worked two jobs and my grandmother was left to tend for us. I've got a picture of grandma from when she was seventeen. told her that had i lived in that era, I would have been all over her...lol...she told me , had i lived then, her brothers would have kicked my ass. True more or less, but my grandmother died at 8:15 tonight. I try and stay tough as most of my family do, but watchin that was too painful, she's outta pain and and for this i thank god, and I'm gonna miss her so much. was five years old and walking outta daycare from a nursery that was about 92 degrees...and i was in such a fog hat my grandmatold the woman that if she ever saw me like that again, she'd be arrested.Ya'll, thanks for being cool!

ya know, i could probably keep you guys entertained for days...

Flashback to 1977....I had a friend named Kenny Humphries, he's dead now so all copyright shit is a non-issue. We all lived in an apartment complex that had a railroad track behind it. Kenny, he was one of thoese guys that saw bad things going to happen, and ran into them with a banshee wail and all 95 lbs of him flailing.

SO, on these tracks ran these little cars that checked the rails for distortion or junk dumped by others. Me and Kenny called 'em putt-putts for the sound they made. Ok, I'm gonna sound pretty bad here, cause it's true and I did it. I'd call it a disclaimer, but if they want to arrest me 30 years later, hit me up.

The plan was, I set off a fire in the woods 3 minutes before the putt-putts scheduled arrival. I hate to say it but it went off like clockwork. The operator stopped to investigate the fire, Kenny jumped in and took off with the putt-putt, howlin the whole time . He got about two miles before being arrrested. They had him reform school for the next two years.

He got out, grew up and became a building contractor. He died young but that story could have a worse ending

LET ALL THE HORNS SOUND, KIDS...I AIN'T DONE YET

Subtitled: The Relative Merits Of Tape....


Alright , Davey, ya made me do it. Tape. Cello in Europe. The magical adhesive! What better tool to hang placards, signs, walked out-on checks with? Tape. Been used in kidnappings, hostage situations and taking the lint off your clothes. Tape...cool stuff. But I wanna tell you a story, completely true and funnier than fuck.


It was July 4, 1976. I was a completely rotten 13 y.o. with completely rotten friends, most a few years older. Early morning and Scott Goetz says to me, "We're gonna do something huge!". I told him cool, cool, fine, even though it always got me in trouble. Well, me and Scott walk to the old Giants supermarket and buy two boxes of those old stick matches. We went back home and cut the heads of all those matches; 20 times-20 times two, you do the math.


Now I'm getting curious, but Scott aint talking, just telling me what to do. He pulls out this huge roll of masking tape and pulls off about 15 feet of it , telling me to keep my side taunt. Then he puts two rocks on each end to keep it there. From there hey told me to lay the match heads in an even way while he rolls it up like a cigr and shoves more match heads down the tube.


Let's move on to Scotts brother, Joey. Inquisitive kid, but not the smartest suit on the rack. Riddle me this, how can a kid thats gotten hurt by so many of his brothers stunts not run the other way? Joey was lookin at this 3 footcigar of tightly wound match heads and I think all he was hearing was John Philips Sousa. Poor kid.


We formed a fuse of maybe 10 match heads and Scott decided we had to wait till the sunset. Cool with me cause i was getting nervous anyway.


Well, as soon as the sun set, Scott told me to light the fuse.. I said uh-uh...I don't know what thats gonna do! He goes, i planned this whole thing...nothing bads gonna happen. So i lit the fuse.


Joey was about six feet behind me and didn't see the rear of the rocket set my jeans on fire.i got that out pretty quick but Joey was chasing it's arc in the sky when it exploded. Dumb fucker was still staring at the burning remnants when they hit his hair and clothes. Me and Scott tackled him and drove him into the grass, rolling him. That kid had little hair and no eyebrows left.



becareful of tape Dave.....and this is a true story...my mom was pretty pissed when she saw my jeans.